A bandage can't fix the hurt of domestic violence
No matter what you are told, you don’t deserve to be abused.
How does Colorado law define domestic violence?
An act or threatened act of violence upon a person with whom the actor is or has been involved within an intimate relationship. Domestic Violence includes and other crime against a person or property, when it is used as a method of coercion, control, punishment, intimidation, or revenge directed against a person with whom the actor is or has been involved in an intimate relationship (Colorado Revised Statute 18-6-800.3 (1)).
There are Many Types of Abuse:
• Physical
• Verbal/Emotional/Psychological
• Sexual
• Children seeing or hearing the violence
• Criminal Mischief (damaging property)
Domestic Violence Can be Cyclical:
Tension Building
• Everything you say or do makes her/ her mad
• You may be compliant, loving, or compromising to keep your partner from getting violent
Violent Episode
• Your partner rages out of control
• Abuse occurs
• You may mentally separate yourself to get through the violence
Hearts and Flowers
Your partner…
• Is sorry, loving, or kind
• Begs for forgiveness
• Promises to get help
• Buys gifts
• Promises it will never happen again
Over time, the “Hearts and Flowers” part of the cycle disappears. You are told that YOUR behavior is what causes your partner to lose control.
If you are in a violent relationship, You CAN get out. You CAN get help.
What to do during a violent episode
- Call 9-1-1 and report any abuse or call prior to any violence
- Avoid rooms that do not have an exit or any room that may contain a weapon
- Devise of code word with those you trust so they know when to call law enforcement
- Ask your neighbors to call the police if they hear a disturbance
- Teach your children to go to a safe place and wait for the police like a friend or neighbor's house
Making a safety plan to leave
• Hide money; an extra set of car keys; clothing for you and your children (appropriate for the season); important documents such as birth certificates, social security numbers (yours, your partner’s and children’s) driver’s license, copies of bills, ownership papers, insurance policies, health insurance information, marriage license, and bank account information; valuable jewelry; and a special toy for each of your children.
• Decide who you can stay with, or, if you go to a shelter, keep the shelter number and/or Victim Assistance number with you.
- You can contact the Department of Revenue to block your new address from your driver’s license, motor vehicle registration, and voter registration to be safe from your abuser.
• Obtain a restraining order – contact 303-441-3775 for information and assistance.
• Inform your family, friends, and children’s school about the restraining order.
• Call 9-1-1 if the abuser breaks the restraining order.
• Call 9-1-1 to report any act of violence.
Remember, the most dangerous time can be when you are leaving your abuser. No matter what you are told, you don't deserve to be abused.
This information was adopted from a brochure created by the Broomfield Police Department and Boulder Sheriff’s Office Victim Services Units.
Emotional Responses to Trauma
Common Reactions to Trauma
- shock and disbelief
- having unwanted memories
- anxiety or panicky feelings
- feeling “lost” or “out of it”
- being near tears more of the time
- increased irritability
- sleep disturbances
- loss of appetite
- depression
- headache, nausea, or physical pain
- disruption of family life
- withdrawal
- loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed
- flashbacks, recurring nightmares
- guilt
- confusion, difficulty concentrating
Reactions to Trauma
The initial shock following a crime, sudden death, accident or other trauma is a painful reality or everyone involved. Many times, right after a horrible or shocking event a person is in shock and may feel “frozen” or numb and may not be able to remember simple things like phone numbers or where the car is. Often a person may not even believe what has happened. It is also common to have no particular feelings at all about the event for a while.
Eventually, even though the event is over, it is normal for a person to experience strong emotional or physical reactions. Sometimes the reactions appear immediately after the event, or they may appear a few hours or a few days later. In some cases, weeks or months may pass before stress reactions are felt.
People are often surprised that reactions to trauma are more intense and can last longer than expected. It may take weeks, months and, in some cases, years to feel healed. Many people will get through this period on their own with the help and support of friends and family. Often, however, well- meaning family and friends might push a loved one to “get over it”. Sometimes a traumatic event is so disturbing or painful that professional assistance from a counselor may be helpful. This does not imply craziness or weakness. It means that the event is just too powerful for the person to manage alone.
Children’s Reactions to Trauma
Children might react to trauma with feelings of confusion, anger, guilt and fear.
Frequently they will regress in behavior, i.e., wanting to become a baby again and wetting the bed. They also may become irritable, clingy and cranky. Children might have trouble sleeping and may seem to need more attention and comfort than usual. They may feel unsafe and may not understand what has happened, which could cause them to feel frightened and frustrated. It is not uncommon for children to have nightmares, which could begin as nightmares of the event, but could become more generalized like dreams of monsters. Children will commonly feel afraid after a traumatic loss of familiar people and surroundings.
It is helpful for children to talk about their experiences, draw pictures or play out events. They may need to do this over and over because children will understand only small parts of the traumatic event each time. Giving children hugs and attention encourages them to talk and express their feelings. This will help them to get through the experience in a healthy way.
To help yourself, you can…
- Structure your life as much as possible. Make small daily decisions to feel more in control.
- Avoid making major life decisions during this difficult time. This probably is not a good time to move, change jobs, or add more pressure.
- Allow yourself to experience uncomfortable recurring feelings.
- Talk about your feelings. Make the time to meet with a friend or family member who can and will support you.
- Do nice things for yourself. This won’t “fix” anything, but it might lift your spirits for a little while.
- Eat regularly and nutritionally. You may not have an appetite, but your body still needs the nutrition.
- Limit your use of alcohol and/ or drugs. If you need help to sleep, talk with your doctor.
- Increase your physical exorcise.
- Give yourself permission to feel down.
- Know that there is no “right” way to feel. Whatever your feelings are, they are normal, appropriate reactions to an abnormal situation.
Family and Friends can help
As a friend or family member, you can listen carefully and spend time with the person. Reassure him or her that it’s safe now and his or her feelings are normal. Say you are sorry this happened.
- Avoid offering easy answers or giving advice.
- Help with specific tasks or errands. This can be helpful since people feel unfocused and unable to make decisions.
- Avoid blaming the person or saying, “you are lucky it wasn’t worse”. It is important to support them through this difficult time.
- Avoid talking about your own experiences. The person needs to self-focus at this time.
- Stay involved in the person’s recovery. Ask how you can best be supportive and help find available services
- Remember that each person experiences trauma differently. Be understanding of the different ways in which each person copes and the different pace at which each person heals.
This information was adopted from Boulder County Sheriff’s Office.
A loved one is grieving
Often is it difficult to be the one who is in the position of reaching out to a person who is experiencing grief. There are things that you can do to help that are both practical and emotionally supportive. Here are some suggestions that you may find helpful.
What’s Important Here?
The initial period of grief can seem unbearable and impossible to navigate. It may take years to integrate into one’s life story the grief experience and the loss of a loved one.
- Continued support from friends and family is essential.
- Allowing choices over their everyday lives can be empowering.
- Remembering to acknowledge and validate the loss and what it represents will be comforting to the grieving person(s).
- Being a good listener –even when the story is repeated multiple times –shows that you care.
- Helping to find appropriate resources will relieve stress when the grief stricken are making decisions and looking for help in the immediate aftermath.
- Being thoughtful and helpful with the above suggestions, without being intrusive, can help bring back confidence and the ability to cope.
What does grief look like?
When someone you love has died, circumstances and life patterns are forever altered. Living without that person can feel isolating and alienating when considering the time previously spent with friends and family. It may feel too overwhelming to engage in some of the same activities that were enjoyed before the loved one died. The grieving person may exhibit a range of very normal behaviors such as:
- Restlessness, pacing around.
- Loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyed.
- Loss of interest in physical appearance.
- Dreams and intrusive thoughts of the one who is lost.
- Inability to concentrate and memory issues.
- Loss of appetite or overeating, fatigue and sleeplessness.
How does grief feel?
Those who are grieving can have many emotions and reactions to grief and the loss of a loved one. Feelings are natural and need to be felt, expressed, acknowledged and understood. There is no timetable or right or wrong way to grieve. The expressions of grief may last from six months to two years or ever longer. You may see the following symptoms of grief:
- Immediate shock and feelings of being numb and emotionless.
- Denial and rejection of the loss.
- Wishing they could die in order to be with the loved one again (This is normal; making a suicide plan is not normal. Intervention is essential.)
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Blaming themselves or others, feeling guilt.
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Uncontrollable crying, shaking, shortness of breath.
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Anger, guilt, hopelessness, anxiety.
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Feelings of being a burden to others.
It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people don’t know what to do or say. Be honest. Remember that your presence and just “being there” is the most important thing
How can I help?
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Listen by letting them tell their “story”.
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Avoid clichés such as “you’ll get through this” or “you will heal over time”.
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Just show up and take care of some daily tasks like meals, mowing the lawn, taking the children or running errands.
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Allow them to cry.
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Continue to be there, even after three or four months. Sometimes it takes that long for the reality of the loss to be accepted.
Children and grief
Children may feel confused and at a loss when trying to express their feelings about death. They feel the pain and sorrow just as an adult does but may have less of an understanding of the circumstances and how to cope with them.
Things to do for a child
- Tell the child as soon as possible about the death, using language with which the child is familiar.
- Use the word “dead” or “died” and avoid phrases like “passed away."
- Children will have questions that must be answered.
- Children may need to be encouraged to allow their feelings to show. Allow them to cry or be angry.
- Assure the child that he or she did nothing wrong that “caused” the death.
- Ask if they want to participate in the funeral –or even attend – or view the body of their loved one.
- Remember that it is okay to not have all the answers.
Handling special occasions
Birthdays, holidays and other special occasions come and go; the anniversary of the death will be among those dates. It may be a very difficult time, especially the first year. During this time, they may feel the grief more intensely, or they may feel guilty for celebrating a holiday because their loved one is not there. They may have guilty feelings about “going on with life” without their loved one. There are things you can do to help:
- Encourage interactions with others
- Talk to them about moving forward and how they have planned for that.
- Reassure them that it is okay to smile, to be happy, and to move forward. They are not deserting their loved one.
- Remind them that the memories will always be there.
- Listen to their apprehensions about the holidays.
Help them plan for the holidays so that when those days arrive, the grieving person is as prepared as he or she can be.
Communicating without words
There are ways we can convey our support and understanding without using our words. Some thoughts from www.characterfirst.com:
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Compassion: Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others.
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Availability: Making my schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I serve.
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Gentleness: Showing Consideration and personal concern for others.
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Patience: Accepting a difficult situation without a deadline to remove it.
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Sincerity: Eagerly doing what is right with transparent motives.
This information was adopted from Boulder County Sheriff’s Office.